Quitting my job shouldn’t be so hard, but it is. As a college student I should be more focused on my studies, extracurriculars, and other events and work. Instead though, if I’m not in class, I work. It may not seem like much, just 5 hours a day, but those 5 hours are on top of the time I spend in lectures.
I would love to quit my job, really I would. I think jobs are dumb. Being required to work, to earn money, just to eat and have a home is crazy to me. I don’t understand why we still haven’t figured out a way to make it so our lives aren’t just a constant grind in order to barely be able to afford the things we need, and almost never the things we actually want.
I’m not expecting 5 star meals and a 4 bedroom 2 bath for free! I’m not wanting some multistory home or some fancy ass apartment in downtown fucking anywhere, I’ll take a tiny home, I’ll take the bare essentials to survive. But you don’t get any of that, because the world revolves around a bunch of numbers we gave value to. The amount of fancy papers with peoples faces plastered on them that you have in your bank or wallet get to decide if you’re going to be sleeping in the rain and wind or keeping dry.
Going back to my main question, why is it so hard to quit my job, and the reason is obvious. I can’t. Society and the way life and the world works doesn’t support it. I have to pay bills, I have to make sure I have money in case I need to buy groceries, to make sure any fees or bills from my education are paid for, if I need a medical procedure that my health insurance decides I can die instead of getting. The message is clear, “You don’t get to live, if you can’t make money.”
It makes me ask what the point is. Why keep going? Why do I decide every morning to wake up and do something that makes me miserable. I rarely smile genuinely anymore. I spend more and more time in my head fantasizing as some sort of escape from reality to the point where I’m afraid it’s unhealthy. I spend more time with my head in the clouds than I do on the ground. I’m unhappy, depressed, afraid, not eating well, horrible sleep patterns and schedules, going to bed at 2 in the morning only to wake up anxious and sweating at 7 because I dread missing work because it means I could be fired and couldn’t make money anymore.
I go to therapy but I don’t know how to explain these feelings. I see different people and none of them have helped me make sense of any of it. They all seem to miss the point and I can’t blame them because I can’t bring myself to say what really needs to be said. They might call me a risk to myself, ask if I’m pondering self harm or suicide. I tell them that I’m not when I think about it every other day when I wake up and when I go to bed. I hope that I don’t wake up because I loathe and stress about the next day and the next and the next.
I use funny images like the one above because I constantly try to make light of what I say, make it feel less serious and nobody will worry. I pondered putting more of them in this post but I just can’t bring myself to. People say it’s social media and the news just hurting me and causing me to become more and more pessimistic but even when I stay away I just can’t stop these feelings.
I am tired. I am so, so tired. I am scared. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am distracted, stressed, worried, hopeless, suicidal, powerless, angry.
Every day, every night, every shift, every message, every call
Every class, every assignment, every walk, every song, every video, every movie, every book, every meal, every hobby, every run, every look in the mirror, every time I get dressed, every time I meet some new, every time I look out the window, every conversation I have, every time I shower, every time I make plans, every time I skip out
Why is it so hard to quit my job?